Parenting, Perimenopause, and Puberty: How to Weather the Storm

Whether and when and how to have children are deeply personal decisions. Families come in an incalculable number of shapes, sizes, iterations. All unique, special, and ever-changing.

Teen parents, older parents, uncoupled parents, kinship care families. All can nurture children with love, attention, and intention.

I know people who became parents before their 20th birthday and did an amazing job of parenting. I know people who added children to their families in their 40s who are equally amazing.

I had my first child when I was nearly 24. Like my mother before me. And her mother before her.

Almost ten years after the birth of my first child, I became pregnant with my third child. With two elementary school children, I thought I had this parenting thing down. I felt less nervous. More confident. I was like those parents in the Luvs commercials. I had lived and learned. I was less squeamish and knew how to save money on diapers.

I was prepared. I knew to expect lack of sleep, spit-up, and sweet potato baby food stains. I knew that minor bumps and scratches were not life-threatening. I had already experienced my children needing stitches, x-rays, and a tonsillectomy.

But there's just one thing. One pretty important thing that no one prepared me for. It wasn't in any of the parenting or baby books on my bookcase. My OB didn't mention it. It never came up in conversation with more experienced parents.

And what's that one thing?

Well, if you are a menstruating person, like me, and you choose to welcome a baby into your life in your mid-30s, as I did, there's a high probability that your sweet little baby will be experiencing puberty at the same time you're experiencing perimenopause.

Puberty and perimenopause in the same home. At. The. Same. Time. It's a raging hormonal storm and I'm smack dab in the middle of it. And I am (frequently) not OK.

Puberty

Puberty is the stage of development during which children's bodies begin to mature physically and become capable of reproduction. These changes are initiated by the increased production of specific hormones.

Physical signs of puberty include:

growth spurts
growth of body hair
menstruation
deepening of the voice
changes in body odor
changes in sleep patterns

Psychological signs of puberty include:

mood swings
questioning authority and societal standards
making own plans
beginning to form own identity
debating opposing views
irritability

Perimenopause

Perimenopause literally means "around menopause." It's a loosely defined period of time signaling the transition to menopause, the end of menstruation.

Signs of perimenopause include:

fatigue
mood swings
difficulty sleeping
worsening PMS symptoms
mild memory loss
hot flashes
increased risk of depression
headaches
brain fog
reassessment of identity

The average age of menopause is 51. At 49, with the presence of many of those symptoms, it's clear that I'm perimenopausal.

Puberty and Perimenopause

This is at least a partial explanation for the explosiveness of my relationship with my youngest child. Understanding our developmental stages provides insight into why we, at times, cannot stand each other.

He is developing an identity as I am questioning mine. He is needing more late morning sleep as I am shifting to becoming an early bird. He wants to make his own plans and I can hardly remember mine. He tries to debate and I'm irritable. He's irritable and I'm depressed. We're both tired, moody, and find our bodies unrecognizable.

I have not parented at my best during this transition. I have been intolerant of my child's mood swings. I have become enraged because he tries to debate everything. Seriously. Everything. And I have not always said kind things about the identity he's developing.

I need to just go ahead and set up a future therapy fund to go along with his college fund.

Parenting Through Perimenopause

There has to be a way for families to come out of this hormonal turbulence alive and with their relationships intact. What are parents to do?

Prioritize Your Wellbeing

Understand your symptoms. Learn when to seek help.
Rest and sleep. Consult your physician if you experience prolonged sleep disturbances.
Ask your doctor if supplements or dietary changes would be beneficial.
Incorporate stress relief activities into your day. Try meditation.
Exercise.
Spend time with supportive friends.

Strengthen Your Relationships

Increase your knowledge. Learn which are typical changes during puberty and what needs to be addressed by a professional.
Understand that this phase is not permanent.
Don't take it personally. You are not necessarily the cause of your child's reactions.
Practice self-regulation. Calm yourself before having heated discussions with your teen.
Learn to apologize.
Find common ground. Choose nonthreatening activities to share together.

My last born recently turned 16 years old. When I look at this child who is 10 inches taller than me, with facial hair and braces I wonder where the time went. It seems like just yesterday that I was making up songs to encourage him to potty train. And marveling at the first time he wrote his name. And mourning what I knew would be my last breastfeeding experience. Facebook memories have me reminiscing about less volatile times.

I'm not going to lie. I do a lot of daydreaming about the future too. I dream about where I'm going to move when he goes off to college. I map out all the weekend trips that I'll take. I envision myself, carefree, dancing around the house in my underwear only listening to music from the 20th century, basking in the joy of an empty and clean nest.

But the key to getting through all challenging times lies in the present. Learn to recognize what is happening with your body and emotions right now. Consider how your child is adjusting to developmental changes at this moment. Choose one of the strategies mentioned above to do today.

Is anyone else's family experiencing puberty and perimenopause under the same roof? How are you handling it? What are some of your tips for managing the hormonal impact on your relationships? Let me know in the comments below.

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Categories: : Family Relationships, Family Wellness