What Matters Most: How Personal Values Impact Parenting
Nikki Weldon 
How To Parent According to Your Values
My daddy used to say, “Do as I say; not as I do.” So while I watched him smoke, I was supposed to never touch cigarettes. And though I heard him cuss, I wasn't allowed to even think about bad words. Well, curiosity got the best of me and I tried cigarettes in 5th grade. And, don't let the quiet voice fool ya. I can cuss like a muthaf***in' sailor. To quote James Baldwin, "I can't believe what you say, because I see what you do."
My
father’s words and actions were not in alignment. That can happen
when parents aren't clear on their personal values. The clearer one is about their values, the better they will be at modeling and
communicating them to their children.
Values & Parenting
Personal values are beliefs that are important enough to guide behavior and decision-making. Because values influence behaviors and attitudes, they affect relationships; including parenting relationships.
Values Offer Clarity
When parents identify and understand their personal values, they are able to parent more consciously. They are able to set parenting and family goals that resonate with their beliefs. They can also begin to clearly look at and change parenting values and behaviors that are outdated or harmful to their children.
Values Affect Parent-Child Relationships
Values influence how parents show affection, protect, provide guidance, and give support to their children. Identifying values can help parents understand their judgments about childhood behaviors and their beliefs about discipline.
Values Provide Direction
Identifying values helps parents focus on what's important to their family. Knowing personal values enables parents to prioritize their time and other resources on the lessons and items that matter most.
Challenges With Values
Parents may face challenges when trying to parent according to their values.
Parents Don't Know Their Values
Many people haven't taken the time to consciously think about, write, or state their values. When parents are unaware of their personal values, they may struggle with providing clear direction for their family and may, instead, get swept up in fleeting parenting trends.
Values May Change Over Time
Values often and, some would argue, should change over time. Age, experience, and learning new ideas shift what people consider to be important. Parenting values change as children and families change. A value of authority might be adjusted to accommodate a child's need for independence.
Values May Conflict
Sometimes parents have values that are in conflict with what their children need. For example, if cleanliness is a value, a parent may find it difficult to allow a child to ever get dirty. They may prevent a toddler from playing outside or learning to feed themselves. The same parent may also value play and independence. The parent does not have to totally abandon their value of cleanliness but it is important to recognize the conflict. Being aware of how values may conflict helps parents choose which direction will most benefit the family.
Caregivers May Disagree
Everyone seems to have opinions about how children should be raised. It is not uncommon for parents to have partners, co-parents, grandparents, teachers, and, even strangers in the grocery store who disagree with their parenting values. Having clarity about what is important and why provides inner strength and guidance when disagreements arise.
How to Determine Personal Values
Brainstorm a list of personal values. You can start with the chart below and add others. Choose your top ten and place them in order of importance. Choose the two or three that matter most.
Parenting According to Values
Parenting according to your values helps you live in integrity as a trustworthy model to your children. Understanding personal values as you parent helps you identify and work through childhood needs and behaviors that you may find challenging. Talking about values and demonstrating what to do when values conflict helps children develop the skills and confidence to identify and live out their own personal values.
Once you determine your top personal values, you can:
- invite others to make their own lists (for example, co-parents, partners, children if appropriate)
- have a family discussion about which personal values can be adopted as family values
- think of specific behaviors that express each value (for example, parents who value creativity may have art supplies available; parents who value religion may read Bible stories to their children)
How do you parent according to your values? Have you noticed a shift in values as your family has changed? Let me know in the comments below.
Categories: : Parenting
